When we want to feel good about ourselves, we can't depend on others. That can either make it worse or we always depend on them for validation. The truth has to come from yourself. This can be tricky at first and you may seem like its selfish, however once you break through the fear, your ego and past triggers, you heal to become better than the girl you visioned in those movies, seen in magazines, promoted on the shop front, scrolled through on instagram, seen in your best friend and family members, because she already exist. She is starring at you in the mirror everyday. 

In order to have confidence you need to be competent which is the ability to do something and take action so let's take action by following these 6 tips to building your self confidence. 

1. Pivot self talk 

The negative voice that tends too hangs around can be reduced. It's never fully in control unless you let it take over. What tends to happen is that we go through a behavioural pattern when we seek validation on our looks, even to the degree of the nice outfit we brought or our new hair cut, colour, style. If we don't seek the validation from others then we self sabotage and make ourselves feel bad. We turn the self talk to bagging ourself out on how much money we wasted for nothing on buying or going to that appointment and we then go into a shell and don't want to go out because we have allowed this unnecessary voice to take over.

We need to PIVOT and create a fulfilling compliment for free from ourselves. What is it that you truly want to get a compliment about. Tell that to yourself in the mirror and as many times as you need because it is true. Make it sink and land. On average we look at ourselves 8 times a day, thats a substantial amount of time that we could be complimenting ourselves on the daily. 

2. Go easy on yourself 

When someone does give you a compliment accept it, don't use those words to disregard what they say. You don't have to be like 'yeah I know' thats crossing a line. You don't need to be making excuses by saying 'Oh no no no' or 'Thats very kind of you but I ... " and the story follows on how and why you need to depress the compliment. Be bashful and say the words "Thank you, I appreciate that" and if you want to give something back you can give a compliment back but not as a deflect mechanism to override your compliment. Fake compliments don't ease the situation better either.

As we are too hard on ourselves we tend to procrastinate on doing something we truly want too. We either seek the support from someone else or we do something else rather than doing something good for ourselves. Instead of going through the procrastination cycle of feeling guilty, panicking and then making excuses to cover up. You just need to take that first action by either accepting the compliment, wearing something you want to wear, eating something you enjoy eating, going to a place you love and smiling at yourself more in the mirror. 

3. "Fake it until you make it" 

I know you're going to say to me but Katelin I have so many external pressures in my life, how can I do this with everything going on. All I can say is that the first step is to fake it. Hold up, fake it! What do you mean? 

In order to take the steps you need to have a go, its never done correctly at first, there is still emotions that is in play but if you take control and put on a front and fake it, your shaking yourself away from those negative thoughts and pushing towards a better stance. 

For instance, if you love being in your comfy clothes at home and think that they are 'ugly' walk around the house and 'fake' that they are an outfit that is stylish. As soon as you change your energy, body language and shift the mindset you will see an instant control. Do a dance or boogie in your bedroom with the clothes on and see your face light up even more. The more you practice the more it builds up your confidence and then you will instil the actual feelings and it won't be faking it anymore.  

4. Be uncomfortable 

Being in your comfort zone isn't going to help you grow to love those imperfections. You need to learn to be uncomfortable for it become comfortable and apart of you. Wearing make up is something that is ingrained in us to have the flawless skin, that is airbrushed and filtered across the marketing world of social media. Why are you wearing make up? are you doing it to make yourself feel good or to cover up? There is nothing wrong with wearing make up.. its actually helpful with the sun (however still wear sunblock). Ideally if you are adding the beauty treatments, make up and that is your top level of beauty and once you wash it all off you then fall back into your uncomfortable stage of natural and the thought of 'oh no don't let anyone see this' comes out. You then feel uncomfortable presenting this on social media and even to people face to face. I can guarantee that if this is also because of the opposite sex of men, they ideally prefer natural. They only insist you do it if it makes you feel good. 

So be uncomfortable with the things that make you feel uncomfortable about yourself, even if it's a bloated stomach. It's apart of you. The more you acknowledge it the more you will feel comfortable allowing it to be part of you and who you are. 

5. Stop comparing 

Just STOP... unfollow, delete, remove, turn off. Do whatever you need to cut it out. The most healthiest thing I have done for my social media is a massive clean out. Unfollowing people that don't give me value or make me feel empowered. Put a limit on your phone and the apps to help you avoid scrolling for hours. 

Since COVID we have become more comfortable turning to our phones than we have turning to one another. We now talk to each other about what we have seen on social media. "Did you see the thing I tagged you in ... pretty funny" end of conversation. The only way you are going to create a better relationship with yourself is to be talking to yourself, meditating, journalling, sitting and breathing, taking in the thoughts that are coming up and acknowledging how to manage that first. If you go into the social media with the intention to seek validation, you are going to get the opposite. Go onto social media with the right intention that you are seeking for inspiration, education or entertainment. You need to take control and its as simple as one click of a button. 

6. Avoid perfectionism 

You need to create your own definition of perfect. There is no one who is defined as the perfect human. I don't see the award being presented. Oh wait, you're going to say but this person has million of followers or this person got an award or this person was on TV. That is their journey and guaranteed they also have their own battles with self confidence.

You need to be grounded. There are thoughts that will come through but this is where you build your confidence to tell that voice to shhh and you get on with your life. If you don't have any negative thoughts and everything is amazing then you are up in the fairies and not many people appreciate being around those types of people. We meet in the middle. Having confidence in yourself is 'perfect' enough. The radiance that you show by being you, not from saying you don't care - ideally you do. It's about taking on that negative voice and turning down the volume so you can blast the world with your true unique beauty. 

Sometimes we just need that guide to help us as we all have our own individual stories and needs. If you want to discover more about how you can be confident click here for more details. 

Accept before you learn how to love

Katelin Vincent
Founder of You Go Girlfriend & You Go Bro